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Dear Ted:

This is your sister Audrey. I got the letter you wrote me and I just wanted to write you back and read it aloud because I think you’re horribly, horribly confused and potentially crazy. I thought if I wrote some things out for you and let you see my response that maybe we could get some things cleared up here and we can live a lot easier in this house. I mean, sometimes, I don’t even know why I let you stay here because of the things that you’re saying about me.

I know you’re torn up after daddy’s little accident, but seriously, you just have to get on and move on from some of those things because I think they’re really starting to get to you.

Speaking of living in the house together, I just wanted to go over some ground rules as you seem to be having a problem with some of those as well. You really have to close the garden gate securely. Buster has run off again. I haven’t seen him for days. And you know that when he comes back he’s usually filthy and I have to clean him up and start all over again and get his fur just right and it takes me hours.

And you know whenever he’s gone this stray Chihuahua just comes along and makes himself comfortable. It’d be okay if he was nice but sometimes he gets worked up and starts spitting Chihuahua venom in my eyes and well…that shit hurts.

Anyway, I just need Buster back so I hope you can go out and have a look for him and return him to me. I really need his company because I’m still torn up about ruining that wedding the other day. Honestly, I only objected and said Thomas was sleeping with his secretary because my feet were cold because somebody forgot to double up my socks that day and I just really wanted to get home and watch my stories. Who thought Clarice would take me seriously anyways? Like, who ever takes me seriously? I’m always saying kerazy things. Anyways. And what is the deal with having a two hour wedding ceremony? I mean, you’re going to have to expect these things to happen.

Anyways, speaking of other things that I have a bit of a problem with… I don’t know why, dear brother, why you insist on leaving me pointed little notes on my dinner napkins about how Ikilled daddy. I didn’t kill daddy. Sharkie killed daddy. It’s a pure evil, four cylinder Ford Focus and I didn’t really have anything to do with it other than I happened to be behind the wheel. It’s like Christine… my car has a mind of its own. And daddy always liked you better.

Anyway. I’m getting tired. I think it’s time for my afternoon nap. I trust that I’ve made myself clear. So you can refrain from posting about how much trouble I am and how kerazy your sister is all of the time and I mean who even uses that service anymore anyway. It’s so boring! Nobody ever sends me what I want on Farmville anyway.

So I say good day to you sir. And I expect to see a piping hot….I mean… warm, warm and cuddly Buster back on my lap by dinner .

And I do love you. I’m sorry that mummy didn’t. What? She told me that time when she was choking on the giant sausage. And yes I know I really shouldn’t have fed it to her that fast… but I had things to do! Anyway, I do miss her.

Please be prompt with dinner. I’d hate to have to ring my bell over and over and over again. I know how you hate it so.

Love, Audrey

Mwah!

1 year ago  /  1 note